when we meet again

I think of you often. That’s my new normal. You are a constant thought in my mind. I think of where you've gone and your new home. I wonder how it looks like up there and how you spend your days. And, mainly, how you have been. I never realized I’d miss the simple things like asking how you are or answering your calls.

I think about the next time I will see you again and wonder so many things. I have so many questions for you, angel. What would be my first question I’d ask you? Would it be if you’re happy with my choices? Would I even want to talk or would I want to just sit and hug you? There are so many thoughts and stories I want to share with you. So many things I want YOU to tell me.

I think about where you have been every single day. Every moment that passes, I wonder where your big personality went. How can someone be here one day and gone the next? I can’t believe we’re coming up to 3 years without you, angel. I couldn't even imagine a day without you here. And here we are: we’ve gone through weeks, months, and years without you. I hear that time doesn’t exist where you are but it sure does over here. And it’s painfully moving along without you.

When we meet again, will you be dressed in all white with angel wings? That's how I envision you now. I image that you are bright and cancer free. That you are almost see through, with the most beautiful smile, and filled with peace. I think your new home, Heaven, is a place of white clouds, flowers everywhere, and rivers of gold. I can only imagine how you are up there and the way you are living your days.

I wonder if you miss the ones left behind down here on earth. Can you sense our pain and need for your hugs? Are the signs I see really from you or are they just my wish to connect again with your spirit? I feel you around me everyday and wonder if that’s you trying to comfort me.

Things have been different. They've been weird. We laugh and think we're good. Then we cry randomly at small stuff or triggered by something that reminds us that you are no longer here. We try to create new memories but feel bad for enjoying this life without you. We think we’ve made peace with what happened but then we break down again in anger or disbelief.

I wonder if you're happy with my choices. I wonder if you'd be proud of the person I have become. Will you recognize the person I've become? Would you support the roads and paths I've decided to walk on? Would you have wanted me to do it differently? Whatever it is, I hope you will find me when I meet you on the other side.

When I see you again, I'll tell you how much I love you because I didn't say it enough. I'll tell you how important you are to me and how my life is missing a puzzle piece without you. I’ll apologize for not making enough memories with you. I’ll admit that you were right about forgiving people and that life is too short for grudges.

When I see you again, I will tell you how I searched for you in every corner of this world. I searched high and low for people, sounds, and images that remind me of you. But nothing and no one compares, angel. I’m sure you know this. I cannot wait to see you again, angel, to ask you how you've been. I can't wait to tell you about all the little and big things. The engagements, the moves, the wins, the losses, and all the in betweens. I can't wait to hear your voice and feel home again.

So when the time comes, angel, please find me.